Jazzy Jokes

Jazz is a serious matter. What did you expected?

What do you get when you cross a tiger and a canary?
Don't know?
I don't know either. But when it sings you better listen!!

An accordian player and a trombone player found themselves
having a drink at a local pub on New Year's eve. This was
a neighborhood small club, having no band scheduled for
that night. The two musicians asked the owner if they could
set up in the corner and play a few tunes for the customers.
The owner agreed, and they did. The customers liked it
and showed there appreciation with applause and drinks,
so they continued for a few hours until after midnight.
Afterwards the owner approached them and said "You
guys were great. The crowd really liked you and we all
had fun. Would you like to return next New Years?".

The musicians replied "Sure. Can we leave our
instruments here?"

The difference between the orchestra
and a cow?

The cow has the horns at the front and the orchestra at the
back!

Charlie Parker was up in heaven, but really bored. God noticed Bird was
not happy, so He tried to cheer him up. 'What's the matter, Bird? You
are in paradise. You should be enjoying the Infinite bliss'. "Sorry
God', said Bird, 'Heaven just isn't my bag. I miss the scene, I would
like to go back to Earth'. 'I am afraid I can't do that', said God.
'But I will tell you what, I will send you back to Earth and let you
hang for just one night. So ZOOM, God beams Bird back down to Earth,
and he lands in front of the Jazz Showplace (or whatever the club's name
is), where he is immediately spotted by the owner. 'Is it you, Bird, I
can't believe it' said the owner. 'Yes it is', said Bird, 'but God is
only letting me stay one night'.

'Well, you are in luck! Tonight is musician's night, you get in for
half price!!!'

How can you tell a trombonist's kid at a playground?

It's the kid that can slide but can't swing.

What are three words you'll never hear?

"The trombonist's Porsche"

A guy comes home completely drunk late one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his extremely angry wife who is most definitely not in a super foul mood. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. The guy says: “Honey, you won’t believe this. I was at this bar called The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. Its got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – even the urinal is gold!” The wife doesn’t believe a word of his story and the next day checks the phone book and, finding a place called The Golden Saloon, calls up the place to check out her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks. “Yes it is,” replies the bartender. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do,” replies the bartender. “And do you have golden floors?” “Yep, most certainly we do,” replies the bartender. “Do you also have golden urinals?” There’s a long pause after which the woman hears the bartender yelling: “Hey, Joe, I think I’ve got a lead on the s-o-b who peed in your saxophone last night.”

What the difference between a "saxophone" player and a "trombone" player today?

The "saxophone" player has a job!

What do a car, train, boat and Kenny Gs horn have in common?

                       They all blow just one note!

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"

"Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer."

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions:

an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?

The out-of-tune sax player. Meeting the other two indicates that you're hallucinating.

This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.

This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.

When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."

The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop."

"Why?"

"When drums stop... bass solo begins."

So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, OK? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."

( I got the following third-hand from a BBS. It is a flyer for a jazz band called the Either/Orchestra. They do their own arrangements, plus some original tunes, by the author of the following letter. )

April 4, 1986 Orchestra Park, MD

Dear Lover of Quality Sounds,

If I could assemble eleven of the world's finest musicians, lead them through a rich and varied repertoire, and present them in the most elegant of settings, how much would you pay? Wait -- don't answer yet! What if I were to guarantee a total experience, not just a treat for your ears, but a synesthetic extravaganza the likes of which may not be duplicated in your lifetime, or even the lifetime of your children? Don't name your price -- there's more! Would my commitment to bring you a virtually total psycho- religious epiphany affect your price? Is a two-to-one shot at an out-of-body experience, complete with videotape documentation enough? How about the power of flight? All-expenses-paid time travel? A cure for pattern baldness?

If I could offer you all of this, would you pay twenty dollars? Fifty? One hundred? One thousand? The entirety of your liquid assets and equity? Let me rephrase. What wouldn't you do for an opportunity like this? Forget crawling on hands and knees across fields of broken light bulbs. Ignore the ugly maw of death and destruction. Dismiss trivial obstacles like time and space -- I'm talking about paying the real price!

Its time for sume frank talk. You know as well as I do the price you'd have to pay for such a deal: your immortal soul! Face it -- a package like this doesn't come cheap, and there's only one huckster packing it in his travelling case! I needn't mention his name, and I needn't remind you where you'd be showing that out-of-body video for all eternity. The flames, the flames are leaping higher!

Luckily for you, I can't make any such offer.

But, what if I were to assemble eleven mediocre musicians, led them through a random assortment of half-baked musical casseroles, and present them in a slightly cleaner-than-average saloon? What would you pay then? Five dollars? Six dollars? Eight-fifty, seven-fifty in advance? Well, for a limited time only, I'm prepared to offer you all of this -- the men, the music, the cash bar -- for only three dollars! This is not a typographical error -- it's absolutely the bottom line!

Remember, I can't guarantee anything -- I don't know if Bill Walton will show up on Bill Walton Night any more than you do; I don't know if you'll be moved an inch by the ostemsible "entertainment"; I don't know if half the musicians will remember their instruments -- hell, I don't even know what "Either/Orchestra" means! But what is life without risks? Without spontaneity? Without the flush of danger? And what else costs only three lousy clams in this day and age?

I appeal to you to think on this offer... think, decide, and act! You might not regret it.

Sincerely,

Russ Gershon,

Director of Claims

Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.

The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."

St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"

The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."

"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"

The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."

"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"

There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either.

A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, "I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live."

The Jazz musician replied, "And what am I going to live on for an entire year?"

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a jazz musician...kill me now!"

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?: Start with two million.

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:

Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
Accordionist: 60 miles

Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."

In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.

Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile.

"You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment."

"But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?"

"No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared.

Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.

"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"

Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."

What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?: An optimist.

In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.

After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"

More piano jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?: A flat minor.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?: A flat major.
Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?: Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff

What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?

"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?"

What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out

Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ?

They never know when to come in.

What is the range of a tenor-saxophone?

Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?

Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

The twelve inch jazz-pianist

A man walked into a bar for a drink, as he finished his drink, he noticed a jazzman playing the piano that was only one foot tall. Curious, the man walked over to the piano player and asked him, "how come your so short?" "Well," the piano player started, "I was walking through the desert one day when I came upon this genie..."Say no more." the man said and he rushed out the door and into the desert.

After hours of walking, the man finally found the genie. "Genie," he said, "I wish for a million bucks" "Young man, your wish is my comand" the genie replied and then disapeared. Five minutes later a million DUCKS flew over. The man got pissed and stormed back to the bar.

When he got back, he immediately went over to the piano player to complain. "God that genie is stupid, I asked for a million bucks and he gave me a million ducks." "I know replied the piano player. Do you think I asked to be a twelve inch pianist?"

WARNING!!!

If anyone attempts to teach you a tune titled Join the Crew, do not listen. This is not a traditional jig or a reel but is a Balkan virus in 13/8 time whose insidious counter- Celtic rhythms will erase all tunes in your memory and the memory of anyone who hears it and replace all of them with a random excerpt from Snoop Doggy Dogs greatest hits. Please send this message to as many musicians as you can. This is a new virus and not many people know about it. There are reports of sessions in is many as 42 cities (so far) being destroyed by this virus, with up to 300 former session musicians able only to sit helplessly and look at their mute instruments while reciting Snoop Doggy Dog.

The Last Wish

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

Why can't skeletons play music in church?

They have no organs.

Why did people invent the piano?

So musicians would have a place to set their beers!!

There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?

The drummer who keeps bad time: the other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?

You can tune a lawnmower.

What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?

A drummer.

What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't.

What do you call a jazz musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

What's the difference in a dead frog and a dead saxophonist lying on the side of the road?

You notice skid marks by the frog.

What do you get when you play Country music backwards?

You get your wife back, you get your dog back, you get your truck back, you get out of jail...

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?

New Age music.

What's the difference between a large pizza and a jazz musician?

A large pizza can feed a family of four!